I miss the heat of your body as I would drift off to sleep while our feet cuddled. The perfect mix of togetherness and space. 

I miss how tender my face was after long breathless kisses from you lips. 

I miss the look in your eyes when you were peering into my soul even when I was afraid to be seen. 

I miss your rough hands caressing my skin appreciating every curve of my body. 

I miss your laugh, your smile and the peaceful way you looked while you slept. 

I miss the strength of your hand while you held mine. 

I miss the weight of your body in the moment you would let go and fall into me while I stroked your face. 

I miss how perfectly our bodies fit together and the stillness there. 

I miss you. 

It wasn’t perfect but it was home. 
Much Love, 

L

In the silence you take my breath away.

When my eyes close, you are near.

I can feel you beside me, holding on so tight.

Your hands are rough just like I remember.

The smell of your skin and the taste of your lips, it all comes flooding back.

You stare into my eyes reaching my soul within seconds. You’ve always seen right through me.

The sound of your voice as you whisper to me. All that you want, all that you need.

For a moment you are here.

So I close my eyes as often as I can.

To have you here with me.

Much Love,

L

After all this time it’s still so hard not to touch you.  It goes against everything my body is telling me.  I wish I knew every thought, every feeling you experience.  Not to save you, not to fix you but that I could walk the journey with you side by side.  I’d go to battle with you, fighting each and every demon that exists within you.  That we could fight our demons together.

I wish you would let me in.

I’ve had glimpses into your soul and never seen anything more beautiful.  I wish you could see what I see.  I cherish each of those moments, hoping you’ve seen the same in me.  We share broken piece’s and found home in one another.  Our love illuminated those severed bits and I was too scared to let you see.

So now I’m building my strength, putting my broken piece’s back together again and putting it out for all to see.  Because we are all perfectly imperfect and I cannot hold it inside anymore. I will look fear in the eye and never run away. I’m learning to do it alone, just for me.  I will not hide again, I won’t shy away.  I’m finally learning to love me.

These are my feelings, this is my heart.  This is my story.

Much Love,

L

As the sky grew dark I became more aware of the fear settling inside me.  I knew the words you were about to utter and that I needed to hear them. You spoke softly to me, sharing your heart and although I wished things were different, it was beautiful.  You were gentle, holding my hand, reasurring me of your love with your touch.  And I listened.

For a brief moment it was just us.

As I watched you walk towards the door as you were leaving, the words please don’t go echoed so loud inside me.  But I could not speak.  I wanted so badly to reach out to you but I was paralized.  I watched you drive away and although I thought it impossible, my heart broke even more.

All I could do was sit in the darkness.  Tears streaming down my face.  My aching heart lepped at every sound, wishing it was you.  Hoping to hear you knocking at my door.  But you never came back.

As I layed in bed there was an emptiness there, stronger than I’ve ever felt.  Like something was missing, not from my bed but from me.  See over our years together somehow you didn’t only find away into my heart but into my bones.  My body was aching. For you, for your touch, for your love.

So tired and hoping for some relief I closed my eyes but all I saw was you.

Something inside startled me, it was 3am.  Your image swirling around me, I could feel you.  I could feel your pain as if it were my own.  I imaged you there beside me, holding you close, feeling your breath on my body.  And then at some point I drifted back to sleep.

Morning came and it hit hard.

Again I wanted to reach out but what would I say, what could I say?

Have we said all we needed to or is there more?

Much Love,

L

I don’t know if I’ve ever known the real me.  The me I was before my soul was tainted by hurt and lies, before I was used as a playground for those who didn’t know how to love.

I can’t remember her,  where I lost her or where she may have gone. I walk around in this body with a shattered soul looking everywhere for her.  I see her pictures and I stare into her eyes, this little stranger who looks like me. I keep the images close but no signs are given to where she may be.

Sometimes I see flashes of her in other women, sometimes I feel her presence in my children but I recognize her most in you.  Maybe that’s why I am still holding you so tight in my heart.  Hoping you will give me the clue.

The memories have been locked away for my protection. I already feel, so deeply her pain while not complettely knowing why it exists. Maybe some of my efforts in still loving you are fueled by me trying to find her, to love her, to heal her.  To bring her home to me. Because of what I see in you.

I don’t know who I was and maybe I will never know. So now I am trying to figure out who I want to be and where I want to go.

Much Love,

L

They say let it go.

The guilt you’re carrying, let it go.

The pain in your heart, let it go.

The overwhelming sadness, let it go.

The shame, let it go.

Maybe I can’t.

Maybe I don’t know how to.

Or maybe I simply don’t want to….at least not yet.

If I let it go, I let you go and maybe I’m just not ready.

Much Love,

L

There is such exquisite beauty in the calm before a storm. The strength and momentum of energy building and then at just the right moment there is an explosion and release of all that has been waiting to leave. 

A cleansing of the old and rebirth of the new self. 

Welcome the chaos of the winds and the cool rain. Let the thunder shatter you at your core and break you wide open. Let Divine love seep into your veins and give yourself back to the Mother. 

Let the storm cleanse your Soul. 

Much Love, 

L

I longed for a love that would change me.

For someone to come along and heal each broken piece of me.  Someone who would feel honoured in placing my shattered jagged parts back together and make me once and for all feel whole.

I spent so much of my life hoping for this person to arrive, dreaming of what life would be like.  Needless to say disappointment flooded my existence.  I was drowning in worthlessness and despair.  Somehow believing that it would be someone outside of me that could put me back together. That it would be something outside of me that could give me all this love I so deeply wanted.

Everything  else was secondary.

Nothing seemed more important than this search for love.  I arrived at dead ends, feeling like a failure in what seemed so simple….someone to love me.  My children loved me, my friends loved me, my family loved me but what I came to realized was that the man I had been waiting for all along was my dad.  The day he left and never came back would be the day a part of my heart broke.

He is a stranger to me, never playing his part the way I wanted or needed. His absence created a hole so unbearably deep within me.  My whole life I have seen beautiful relationships between fathers and daughters, always feeling that would never be me.  I would never have him to walk me down the aisle, to see my children grow, to wipe away my tears and hold me when I felt life was falling apart.  I wanted him to be my hero, my saviour.  I allowed this loss to take over my life and my relationships.

No one could ever fill the shoes I had laid out, they were enormously huge and impossible to fill.

Then there came a time I knew I was the only one.  Left with only myself and a past full of heartache was the only way I could see that is was never anything outside of me that could fill those shoes, that could repair the damage that long-lived inside of me. This was now between me and the Divine.  I had to let it all go.  My dad, each failed relationship, the years of disappointment and self punishment for never feeling good enough to be loved. For a lifetime of not allowing myself to really be open to love and fearing love. It was time to release it all.

There is a blessing in each of our troubles.  Look closely and you will see.

His absence lead me to each partner I chose and each of them offered me a gift.  For me the greatest gifts were my 2 sons given to me by a man who I tried to make fill those big shoes and eventually helped me realize how much I needed to love myself and save my own Soul.  To this man who is forever my family and friend, I will always be grateful for each moment we shared, the good and the bad because it led me here.  To this exact moment in time.  And please know how much I love you and always will and that my absence from you is not out of love lost but love to be found.  For me.  To save myself.

Because of you, I chose me. In this moment I am grateful.

Much Love,

L

As darkness falls I am left to sit with what is.
I cannot hide from it anymore.
I cannot make excuses for the pain or pretend it doesn’t exist deep within me.
I must embrace it, for nothing else can make it beautiful.
I must accept it, for nothing else will move it.
I must forgive it, for nothing else will give it wings.
I must not hold onto it, for that would be a slow death of my soul.
I will not quiver in your presence, for that leaves me powerless.
I will speak with thunder in my voice, you will hear me.
I will know and trust I am protected and safe from your poisonous bite.
For what you claim to be love is control.
I do not belong to you, a mere possession for your taking, to be used at your convenience.

I am a soul belonging only to the Universe.

The sky, my father.
The earth, my mother.

For I Am Love.

So indeed, I must let you go.

LF